Life has been a mess lately, what with the job situation, my health, Mom's health... the list goes on and on. There has been one bright side to this long stretch of "too much time on my hands." I've been reading. A lot. Both online.... whether it be conversations in SL, status posts or links on Facebook... online essays by some of the greatest minds of our time, or the past... and in the Real World... actual paper with printed words. One of the most profound things to come out of this has been the reawakening of my "give a shit". Don't get it? Lemme 'splain what that means to me.
When I was younger, an idealistic teen at the tag end of the Vietnam era, with all the detritus left us by Kennedy, Nixon, Ford (still not sure he REALLY existed! LOL!!), Carter (good person, lousy president...), and then into the prosperity and "golden years" of Reagan, when I was in my early twenties..... I "gave a shit" about things. I worked for AIDS causes when that hit my part of the country. I stayed a Republican, a long family tradition, and worked actively as an openly gay man to try to effect change from withing the party. I worked two jobs, yet found the time to also work for gay rights. I met David, we settled down, and life was smooth.
After David's death, and for some years before, my "give a shit" was lulled into sleep.... first by the ease, wonder and beauty of our life together, then, when he was gone, by the "shutting down" that is inevitible for a while after such a loss. I went on working, went on day to day, dealing with the humdrum in a fairly plodding, nonchalant fashion. I never had problems based on my sexuality, nor really on anything... (I worked in the restaurant industry, rife with homosexuals... hah.... and look/act "straight", whatever that means... meaning that my basic way of living is to not flaunt myself... not as a conscious decision, just my personality.) Life existed, had a few joys, a few setbacks, but in general, just kinda "was".
Last fall, I ran into, if not true homophobia, its first cousin... an almost "racist" way of treating homosexuals in the workplace. Fag jokes, being treated as a lesser form of human being, being denied the dignity that was accorded to other workers. And it HURT. I had NEVER, in all my life, come across that. After the lay off in January, I started noticing this inworld, to some extent, and in other writings, newscasts, etc.. To be honest, I was kind of surprised, as I'd not had any personal experiences with this, well, ignorance.... this deliberate unwillingness, whether religiously based, demographically based or learned behavioral response, to NOT educate onesself on the facts about things before putting others down. My family had worked for civil rights for blacks against the Southern Democrat establishment. Here in the North, they had bucked BOTH parties by inviting blacks into our home, having many black friends, etc.... so I hadn't been brought up in an atmosphere where there was THAT type of ignorance.
Anyway, this long time to READ, explore the "mind world" that is the America of today, has reawakened my "give a shit".... I now "give a shit" about healthcare, about equality for ALL people, regardless of race/creed/sexuality/gender/religion.... I now, once again "give a shit" about ME.
I have had the more "goody two shoes" of many kinds commenting on my Facebook posts..."You're so negative".... "That's just wrong." etc.. Well, guess what? THAT I don't give a shit about... as a friend posted on her status there one day..."I don't set out to annoy or anger people, but I don't go out of my way to apologize for it if I do, either." Good philosophy.
What triggered this post today was a comment that a dear, long time friend made to me posting some pretty hardcore EBM/Goth/Industrial vids on FB. She, in her "sweet" way, implied that I was in the wrong, and that she was "glad she could retreat to her peaceful corner of the world" instead of listening to the "sorrow and anger". Well, guess what toots.... you're an upper middle class married woman, whose hubby brings in the bacon, so you can run your own "therapeutic New Age" business..... you, and others like you, can afford that "peaceful corner" both financially and emotionally. Not all of us have that luxury.
There are those of us that must go into the dark, angry places of our souls and minds, occassionally, in order to be able to appreciate that "little corner of peace" when it does crop up. Life is not always "smooth sailing" when you are unemployed, taking care of an older relative (with whom you have an on and off history), dealing with the very REAL possibility of losing one's home that one has invested thousands of dollars in, fighting health issues, etc. This music lets my mind get mean, vicious and downright evil at times.... all while saving the world from outward manifestations of my frustrations. What follows when I come back from "these place" is a more balanced ability to cope with the mundanities and set backs of every day living. Like the real world, there is not always "goodness and light"... violence and death, illness and hate..... they also add to the balance of Nature.
Thanx for reading, if you made it this far! LOL!! If not, I don't blame ya.... this IS a bit rambling today! HA! Here's your cookie, for those that DID endure the tirade!
*Peace, in balance with the Dark*
Tel
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