Oh, yeah..... (RL is SO much more fun than SL)

/me slams on the Teflon shield for SL, and concentrates on RL..... for you, sweetie!  This is about as smooth as it gets, and pretty much says it all.....  (Mmmmm.... nothin' like a slow dance with someone that you care about, eh? *all smiles this evening*)




*Farmers FTW*
       Tel

Meh....( A musical post with a personal meaning....)(disclaimer added)

Broken hearts... broken dreams.....











The show will go on... regardless of the personal sacrifice........ regardless of the pain........ as I cry myself to sleep, I know that the show MUST go on..... without the "show".... life has no meaning, no recompense..... Long Live The Show!!!!  (When TRUE caring is denegrated to a back burner... how much more must we work to make the show go on?  I wonder............ do we all have a breaking point?  Has this been reached?)

Disillusion is a fact.... denial is detrimental.....  

*Meh IS a word*
Tel
(Apparently, this post needs a disclaimer, even if I won't offer much of an explaination.  It is dealing with a RL family situation, which is causing some issues for a niece of mine.  This has been misinterpreted by some, and I apologize for being cryptic, but will not give a further explaination in a public format such as this as some that don't openly follow this but read it frequently are RL friends (former classmates, relatives, etc.), and know my family.  This was merely to get some shit out of my own system, not to slam anyone that may follow this blog.)

Just fun pics.....

     OK, so I told Franzi that I wouldn't post pics of the "New Tidra" until it opened back up, and he could bask in the glory of all that he's accomplished as it should be..... MY decision and words, not his.  The rebuild on the Fortress is amazing, and about 75-80% done, I'd say.  But..... I have to post ONE pic of the Tavern, which my alt, Dead Hansome is running there.  It's done.  Franzi's build is fantastic, as are all of them, but I'm rather proud of my decorating job. Dead has changed his looks a bit, too.  He's STILL the hottie in the family, though.... of course, Gany would still argue with him about that fact, and frequently does!  LOL!

Here is a pic of me, Joshie and Sey (our Master of Baths.... I can't say Bath Master... reminds me of the old SNL lampoon on the Bass Master, but with a lisp! ... w/o laughing!), OOC, and just kickin' back and yackin'....also, not in our usual forms, at least not Sey and me.  Love my SL family!

 I jokingly call this one..."Me and my Bishes!"  LOL!!

Oh!Oh! Oh!  Just a warning..... this photo was sent to me by an anonymous source, with just the words "BEWARE!!!" written on the back.... and the postmark was Tidra Island!  I wonder what it means?

*Peace, and can't wait until we get this finished and running again!*

Tel

(SL)Etiquette.....

     Back when I was working full time, RL, at a job that was well over 45 hour a week, I frequently had a thousand things to do (OK, an exaggeration... usually only 423... *snickers*) the minute I walked into my office.   The waitresses would nod, or say hello politely then leave me alone a while, the Big Bosses would not come bother me, or call until after they presumed I'd had some time to get organized, and the public was not even allowed in the building for two hours. 
     As a consumer, and consultant for other businesses, I knew to give others the same respect.  I would never have dreamed of calling a food sales representative at 6:30 AM, though I knew they would be in the office, except in case of an emergency.  I didn't call clients I consulted with, until I was fairly certain that they had enough time of a morning to take care of the incidentals, before going into full blown "I'm ON, now" mode.  Hell, I won't even call my RL "not a boyfriend" and disturb him of a morning, until I'm sure he's had time for some coffee and to read the paper... essentially to "wake up", which is what a log in to SL is the equivalent of.  As human beings, even those of us that are major multitaskers can be inundated and overwhelmed by too many things requiring our attention at the same time.  In many ways, this also carries over into SL.
    The minute I log on, I get hit with numerous group notices, IM's that were sent from associates of all types while I was offline, etc..  I'm sure I am not alone in this.  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain that anyone with any SLife at all is in the same boat.   It is time consuming to "take care" of all these things, and even a necessary evil, because too many messages get "capped", and then you miss deliveries, or might miss a business opportunity if you don't clear the ones that did get through.  (Yes, I have IM's directed to email, but I still have to go through them upon log in, one by one, to make sure that I don't delete something that needs to be kept by mistake.)
   Why then, when so many of us are in the same position, do people feel the need to IM you the SECOND that you log on?  I love my friends.  I love my various families on SL.  I love talking to them all....it's the primary reason that I'm there.  I actually appreciate the fact that they are (mostly) happy to see me when I log on.  (Some I suspect have other motivations at times........) 
     I leave my autoresponse on for a reason.  I will answer friends that IM me, if and when I have time to, or if I'm even really paying attention to SL.  Many a time, I'm actually logged on to increase sim traffic, or to listen to music, or whatever, and actually off doing something else RL, or on the web.  There are some that I feel obligated to answer immediately, some that I WANT to answer immediately, and some that I have to prioritize, because I know where the conversations generally lead.
    Coming back from an extended AFK to find four or five IM's, where people berate me for not answering them AFTER they've been given an autoresponse that says, in effect...."Hey, I"m not here.  I will respond when I have time, if I can.", where they've sometimes literally written paragraphs (plural) and then wonder why I haven't responded, is frustrating to say the least.  The fact that "they" have now gotten angry with "me" for not jumping immediately into their window is just icing on the cake.
     May I suggest that people let someone at least rez first, before the IM attack begins?  Sometimes we really DO have stuff to deal with immediately, either before we forget, as is often the case with me due to some of my medical issues, or for various other reasons. 
     Five more minutes of  waiting to contact someone, except in some kind of SLemergency, won't kill anyone.  After all, most of us have been online WAY too long on any given day anyway, right?  *Evil Grins of Admitted Addiction*  (Don't EVEN get me started on those that either map or cam tp directly to a person, w/o asking if they are busy, or changing clothes, or whatever.... that is a subject for a whole different blog post, although I have been guilty of it myself upon occassion, when I've not thought, and was excited to tell someone something or whatever. LOL!)


*Patiently yours*
        Tel

User Experience Declining?

    Eddi Haskell posted a poll, over on  his blog, and it got me to thinking.  The answers to choose from were the standard:  better, the same, slightly worse, worse.  I would have to say mine is somewhere between sligtly worse and worse, with a codicil that some things have actually gotten better.
    Log in seems to be (usually) ok for me.  Somedays its horrendous, though.  Last night I crashed, tried to get back on for almost an hour, and it wouldn't let ANY of my accounts log in.  We'll see this morning.
    Graphics wise, I've noticed an improvement.  For about two days, I was not having alpha overlap problems, but they are back.  Sculpties are once again taking forever to rez, even with the renderVolumeLODfactor set fairly high. (I think I have mine about 5.8).  Teleporting has improved for me, usually, but on-sim lag has increased exponentially in the last week or so.  On the other hand, basic prim graphics have gotten better, sharpet and clearer.  Go figure.
     I have had delivery issues from Marketplace.  I spent over 2500L getting stuff for one of my alts for RP on Tidra.  Fifteen Vendors.  Not a thing went through, though I was charged, of course.  LL says I have to deal with the vendors, as it was their fault.  Fifteen of them all failed to deliver all at once?  Really?  What a coincidence.  I did receive a response from two so far, and they have graciously replaced the items, but insist (and showed me records of that day's transactions) that they never recieved the payment/order.  *shrugs*
     I am running a quad-core with massive amounts of graphic and regular memory, and have had few of these issues since I switched to it. I wish the peeps at LL would stop fixing things sometimes.  LOL!

*Peace and lag free days!*
    Tel

Past the halfway point.....

Ten years together, eleven since your death.  Still miss you. Happy 21st anniversary, sweetheart, wherever you are now. 

Love you,
Me


It's gonna be a long, long day.

One of those days....(an SL related post only)..

     Ever have one of those days when you want to smash things?   Put your fist through a wall?  They happen all too often here as of late.  Frustrations, are affecting my better judgement.  I am becoming cruel, cold and heartless.
     I'm not comfortable with some things still, though they are not related to my main situations, and don't really affect my daily life, except on a deep emotional level..  Things happen around us over which we have no control, and no say, but that doesn't mean we don't have a right to voice our opinions on them, when they affect us deeply, then shut the hell up after we've had our say.  (Something I'm still working on, sometimes more successfully than others.  Heh.)
     I deeply wounded a friend of mine, through a combination of jealousy (not in the way that you, or even they might think!), insecurity, and a deep-seated feeling of being "misled" about some very important facts, though there was really no evidence of wrong doing.  I was shut out, and feeling bereft of  a nebulous "something" that used to exist in my SLife.  I have apologized, and things are "better", but there is still tension.  It takes a while for some hurts to heal, especially when you've been given additional information by other party's involved, and find out that there WERE machinations going on behind your back.  I should learn to listen to my guts, and not my heart.  They are much larger these days, and rarely wrong.  *sighs*
     Basically, I made someones life a living hell for a while.  Laid on the guilt, assuming on my part that it was for the best, in my role as their confidant and friend.  Silly me.  I made the mistake of trusting someone again, of believing their insistence that they were in a completely innocent situation, then finding out that this situation, had the reality of it changed, would have been completely fine with them, and that they were actively WORKING to change that reality.  The saddest part was the third party that was injured a bit in this, through my actions, and more so through the machinations of the original offender.
     I forgot that there is no honor amongst thieves, and that if the person would do it to someone else (or several someones, in this case), it establishes a pattern that I shouldn't suspect would be different in "my case because I'm special".  I'm not.  (That reality took a while to set in, but at almost 49 years of age, it has, unless blinded by emotions and sweet words.  24 days!?!??!   EEEP!!!!  I'm not THAT old!  When did that happen!  LOL!)  
      It hurts to be mislead, but hurts much worse to apologize for being a fool, and then finding out that you weren't in the first place.  To make it worse, the information that confirms all your suspicions about a person's intent is verified by someone, who doesn't "start shit", in a moment of innocent confidence, and who doesn't know the "original situation".  Someone that you trust implicitly..... and you therefore can't do jack shit about confronting the original miscreant.  Oh, well, such is the life of a trusting, open heart. 
     That can all change, and rather rapidly.  (The advantage of being almost 49......There's that number again!  EEEEEEKKKK!!!  HA!, is that by that age, and after a life filled with ups and downs, you learn to "turn off"..... shut down the heart, the soul, the emotional part of yourself.)  You can go cold inside, and remain outwardly warm and carefree.  I think perhaps it's time for that to happen again.  It's taken a long time to truly trust and openly love again, whether physically or platonically.  That has been broken, but will eventually heal.  For now, I will withdraw that openness, that sharing.  I will be happy again, at least outwardly.  Perhaps I'll just live for my own pleasure, enjoy my time, and to hell with the toes I crush as the juggernaut steams full speed ahead.  Maybe I'll become the heartbreaker.  Naw..... I don't really have that in me, other than on a very superficial level. 
     Someday, maybe I will learn to trust again.  Someday, I will give my inner soul and heart to someone, and they will have earned it.  That will take a while to achieve.
     I can wait.

*Regretting the coulda, woulda, shoulda factor, and more so the shouldn't have*
   Tel

(Just one quick RL note.... I'm working again! It's not much, on call, and only a few hours a week as a fill in, but between that and the Farmer, it's helped with this situation... it's nice to have someone that "grounds" me in the reality of RL, especially this time of year.  I'm not as "lost" in the SL mess as in times past, and am better able to separate my two worlds emotionally  now.  Thank you, sweetie!)

Almost finished!

   Well, I'm almost done with it.  LONG day online yesterday making flowerbeds, trimming trees, and mowing the grass.  I think maybe I'll try to buy some goats..... I have MUCH more open grass than I used to have! LOL!  Some things have changed since I took this pictures... I've added a front gate to the wall, changed out those REALLY lovely, but REALLY primmy torches from Laminak/CQA (my absolute favorite medieval or goth store!) added some sculptures to the grounds, etc., but basically, it's all there, except furnishing my library, and placing the cuddle poses around the dance area.  Yay!  I'm actually a little over 300 prims UNDER what I was before, and yet, have, IMO, achieved an elegance that I've not had on one of my designs since the original Keep got taken down.  (Btw, I replaced the rather more Gothic looking RED windows with some of my own designs... I think it makes it more welcoming.  It's not a dark, dreary old castle, it's actually warm and inviting in tone and decor, both inside and out.  AND, I've only spent slightly over 1200L$ on it!  Gotta love that huge inventory!)
    In other news, the partial rebuild on Tidra itself is amazing.  There are a few other words that come to mind....decadent, sybaritic, luxurious... but amazing pretty much sums it up.  Franzi is completely rebuilding the fort area, and, I won't reveal any more at this time, but when it's done, please come check us out!


Ladies and Gentlemen of all Ages!  I present the newest Kitteh's Kastle!
( I think maybe a formal wear party with a DJ to christen it?  Hmmmmmm.... hit me up inworld if you think you'd be interested!)

Apologies Tendered......

Mea Culpa.  Mea Maxima Culpa.

Subtitle:  "When inner turmoil becomes outward cruelty -or- Sorry, but I've been a total bitch lately."

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti,

beatæ Mariæ semper Virgini,

beato Michæli Archangelo,

beato Ioanni Baptistæ,

sanctis Apostolis Petro et Paulo,

omnibus Sanctis, et vobis, fratres (et tibi pater),

quia peccavi

nimis cogitatione, verbo et opere:

mea culpa,

mea culpa,

mea maxima culpa.

Ideo precor beatam Mariam

semper Virginem,

beatum Michælem Archangelum,

beatum Ioannem Baptistam,

sanctos Apostolos Petrum et Paulum,

omnes Sanctos, et vos, fratres (et te, pater),

orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.

Amen.

New Directions (Follow up post)

   One of the few things that really interests me on SL, besides my friendships, of course, is decorating and design work, whether it be avatars or living spaces..... last night, I stripped the Kitteh's Kastle area that is my rented area far above Tidra, and took it down to the retaining walls, and the bare platform.  I'm going to ask Franzi to remove the jungle look screens from around it, and do something completely different there.  I need to have a "creative process" in movement at all times, I think, and right now, I don't have the money RL to actually do some of the things that I want to around the house and gardens, so, I'll put that lumbering inventory elephant to good use, and see what I can come up with, w/o spending another dime.  Eclecticism, here we come!  There will be pictures, eventually, but at this point, (/me shrugs), I haven't a CLUE what direction it will take.  At least it will occupy my time, and give me a chance to set some accompishable goals, even IF just digital ones!
    I did have a fun time last night..... one of the newest members of the Tidra gang, Seymour, and I toured the haunted asylum at the Falln sims.  He had to log for dinner, and didn't make it back before I had to log off, but I used the time I was there to get some ideas.  Those sims are really kewl.  I highly recommend spending an hour or so there touring them, and just absorbing the crrrreeeeeeppppiiiiinnnneeeessssss.... it IS that time of year, after all!  (BTW, his nonGorean AV is really well done!  It's a kind of anime humanoid demon/fox..... nice!)

*Peace*
    Tel

New Directions......

    The visitor counter resetting the other day, has had me thinking.  In my mind, I've reviewed the last year that I've spent, both RL and SL.  Until Jan. 10th, last year, I worked 45-60 hour weeks, earned a "decent" wage for my location, and being a family of one. (Not that the Fur Peoples that live in and out of the house don't count, but their tuition is less expensive!  *grins*)  Things were good, SL was, for the most part, fun, and an escape.  Now, as Ziggy so aptly put it on his blog, I'm back in the "Second Life Funk", a bit.
     After the layoff, I had the house to rebuild, after the December fire last year.  Trust me, that took my mind off both the RL unemployment, and spending too much time on SL.  For the last several months, SL has BEEN more like RL.... it's been the one constant.  I've watched my friends go through emotional traumas back to back to back to back... you get the picture... and because of deep, REAL friendships, have let that affect me emotionally, as well.  I have been aloof, in love, alone, and surrounded by caring people.  This microcosm that has turned into my macrocosm can both hurt, and heal, depending on the depths that we wish to participate in it.
    This is a bad time of year for me, as many of you that I'm close to already know.   The upcoming anniversary, for me and my deceased RL lover, my birthday, the approaching holidays.... beginning with Halloween, which used to be my favorite.... all of it, combined with the "Annual Fall Mood Swing"... makes mid-October throught mid-November a lot of fun. 
    Inworld, there are situations developing in my SLife that are making me uncomfortable, and might need some rethinking, and redirection as well.  I'll not discuss them openly, until I mull them through, and probably not even then, but they are there, and they need to be dealt with on many levels.
    In the REAL world, things actually might be looking up a bit.  I've had two of three interviews (three interviews?  For a shitty, barely above minimum wage job, in a management field that I've had 30 yrs. experience in?  Guess that shows you JUST how bad the local economy still is, and that for those hiring, it's a buyer's market, huh?), with the third scheduled next week.  There have been a few more local/semi-local listings on the websites, and in the papers.  And there's the Farmer.
    Yeah, funny time of year to start "not dating, but having daily contact again" for me.  He's been a blessing.  He's solid, both financially and emotionally, has a keen inquisitive mind, can DEFINITELY give me a run in the smartass department.. LOL!..  I think I might just let that ONE good positive thing play out, and see where it leads.  I guess that means there IS still hope in the world, so I'll try to concentrate on that.  Sometimes, I truly DO think "attitude is altitude."  Beats the old days, anyway, of seeking solace in a pill bottle, or a booze bottle, right?  *happy face and pat on the back for THAT, anyway!*
     Perhaps if/when I get back to work, and I see where this is going with the Farmer, SL will regain its luster a bit, and I can just relax and enjoy the ride again.  I hope so.... as I don't like the alternatives that are playing out in my mind.  (Throw in the drama caused by SL and the Labs, the server issues, etc... that is NOT helping, either.)

*Peace, and much love to all*
    Tel
(just some pics of the gardens, before I get them all cut down)

Kinda fun........

We're starting over again!  The visitor counter got archived, 2795 visits.  Not too shabby, since the first six months I did this, I only had about 6 or 8 regular followers!  I'm pleased, and a little surprised, since I generally only post for myself..... rantings, ravings, etc., or "news" from whatever sim I live on, etc.  Thank you to all that watched, and to all that commented over the past year!  I hope the next year brings happiness and good things to everyone!

*Heartfelt thanks!*

Tel

A Death in the Tidran Family......

   Upon his return from his business on the mainland, the Scorpion discovers the abandoned silks and papers of the boy Fox laying on the shoreline.  He picks them up, and turns them over and over in his hands, knowing well what his friend has done, and why.  After all these months of missing his Master, he has returned to the sea from whence he came, all that long time ago.  Gently weeping, he murmers...."May the rest of your journey through time, and your walk through the City of Dust be one of peace, my friend.  By your devotion to your Master, and to your chain, you have earned it." 
    Slowly he turns, and makes his lonely journey back to the Fortress of Tidra.  "It's going to be a long, long day.", he mutters, giving himself fully over to his grief at the last.

___________________________________________________

Testimo's account of his "passing from Gor" was graceful, and gracious, to say the least, probably much more so than mine would have been in the same situation.  How someone can just "disappear" after nearly two years of almost daily contact, with no contact and no information is beyond me.  There are real people beyond these avatars, folks, with real emotions.  Perhaps Fox's Master and chain brothers have their own  RL to deal with.  That, too is understandable, but at least say goodbye.  Emotional cruelty is emotional cruelty in whatever world it occurs in.  That's all I'll say about that, out of respect for those that go on.

___________________________________________________

R.I.P.  Fox

You will be missed, my friend.