One of those days....(an SL related post only)..

     Ever have one of those days when you want to smash things?   Put your fist through a wall?  They happen all too often here as of late.  Frustrations, are affecting my better judgement.  I am becoming cruel, cold and heartless.
     I'm not comfortable with some things still, though they are not related to my main situations, and don't really affect my daily life, except on a deep emotional level..  Things happen around us over which we have no control, and no say, but that doesn't mean we don't have a right to voice our opinions on them, when they affect us deeply, then shut the hell up after we've had our say.  (Something I'm still working on, sometimes more successfully than others.  Heh.)
     I deeply wounded a friend of mine, through a combination of jealousy (not in the way that you, or even they might think!), insecurity, and a deep-seated feeling of being "misled" about some very important facts, though there was really no evidence of wrong doing.  I was shut out, and feeling bereft of  a nebulous "something" that used to exist in my SLife.  I have apologized, and things are "better", but there is still tension.  It takes a while for some hurts to heal, especially when you've been given additional information by other party's involved, and find out that there WERE machinations going on behind your back.  I should learn to listen to my guts, and not my heart.  They are much larger these days, and rarely wrong.  *sighs*
     Basically, I made someones life a living hell for a while.  Laid on the guilt, assuming on my part that it was for the best, in my role as their confidant and friend.  Silly me.  I made the mistake of trusting someone again, of believing their insistence that they were in a completely innocent situation, then finding out that this situation, had the reality of it changed, would have been completely fine with them, and that they were actively WORKING to change that reality.  The saddest part was the third party that was injured a bit in this, through my actions, and more so through the machinations of the original offender.
     I forgot that there is no honor amongst thieves, and that if the person would do it to someone else (or several someones, in this case), it establishes a pattern that I shouldn't suspect would be different in "my case because I'm special".  I'm not.  (That reality took a while to set in, but at almost 49 years of age, it has, unless blinded by emotions and sweet words.  24 days!?!??!   EEEP!!!!  I'm not THAT old!  When did that happen!  LOL!)  
      It hurts to be mislead, but hurts much worse to apologize for being a fool, and then finding out that you weren't in the first place.  To make it worse, the information that confirms all your suspicions about a person's intent is verified by someone, who doesn't "start shit", in a moment of innocent confidence, and who doesn't know the "original situation".  Someone that you trust implicitly..... and you therefore can't do jack shit about confronting the original miscreant.  Oh, well, such is the life of a trusting, open heart. 
     That can all change, and rather rapidly.  (The advantage of being almost 49......There's that number again!  EEEEEEKKKK!!!  HA!, is that by that age, and after a life filled with ups and downs, you learn to "turn off"..... shut down the heart, the soul, the emotional part of yourself.)  You can go cold inside, and remain outwardly warm and carefree.  I think perhaps it's time for that to happen again.  It's taken a long time to truly trust and openly love again, whether physically or platonically.  That has been broken, but will eventually heal.  For now, I will withdraw that openness, that sharing.  I will be happy again, at least outwardly.  Perhaps I'll just live for my own pleasure, enjoy my time, and to hell with the toes I crush as the juggernaut steams full speed ahead.  Maybe I'll become the heartbreaker.  Naw..... I don't really have that in me, other than on a very superficial level. 
     Someday, maybe I will learn to trust again.  Someday, I will give my inner soul and heart to someone, and they will have earned it.  That will take a while to achieve.
     I can wait.

*Regretting the coulda, woulda, shoulda factor, and more so the shouldn't have*
   Tel

(Just one quick RL note.... I'm working again! It's not much, on call, and only a few hours a week as a fill in, but between that and the Farmer, it's helped with this situation... it's nice to have someone that "grounds" me in the reality of RL, especially this time of year.  I'm not as "lost" in the SL mess as in times past, and am better able to separate my two worlds emotionally  now.  Thank you, sweetie!)