Today is my birthday, and I'm not in the best of spirits. I had a wonderful evening last night with my RL "not yet a boyfriend"-- dinner, some (ok, a LOT of ) champagne, a couple of nice slow dances back here at the house afterwards (there are no gay bars closer than an hour away, and in a small town, two guys still don't dare dance in a regular bar, ya know?), then a nainai kiss. You'd think this would have me on a high for a couple of days, at least. Heh.
Unfortunately, he can't be around today to shake these "Wow, I just turned 49, and have no job, no money, and no hopes in the near future of either" blues. Amidst the mountains of self pity that I have been piling on today (recovering from the champagne isn't helping... lol... I don't get hangovers, but when I drink THAT much, I tend to depress out the next day.), I received a nice message from a RL friend on Facebook this morning. Not hidden amongst the wall wishes for a happy birthday, or the simply amazing amount of e-cards that I recieved...(Spanki, yours was wonderful... I wish FB had of let me post it!)...all of which I appreciate tremendously, as well as the inworld ones that I got from Franzi and some of my other friends that are also friended to my alts, during my brief time on this morning (as Dead), just a few short lines, in a personal IM:
"(insert RL name), you try too hard to make everyone else happy, and neglect your own emotional health too much. Stop beating yourself up all the time. Remember, when you try to please everyone, you usually end up making most of them unhappy by spreading yourself too thin. You have brightened my life considerably after my divorce, after MY job loss, and the other shit you helped me through. Remember, stay true to yourself, and you will be all that you need to be to the others. I love you, and am very proud and glad to call you my friend. Love, (insert friend's name)"
This started a chain of thought.... perhaps she's right. Sometimes we lose sight of our personal goals, needs and wants in the quest to "please everyone", and immerse ourselves in the "poor little me" syndrome. Having fought clinical depressions for years does not help with this sometimes, but I've also learned to "grab the boot straps" when necessary. I think perhaps I need to quit kicking my own butt over a job situation (and some few others) that is not my fault, and out of my control at this point, and just try to count the blessings.
I have (most) of my health. I have a home (for now). If worse comes to worse, I'll shut up the house, try to sell it, and move back to Mom's. (TOTALLY a last case scenario! Eeeeek!) Until the unemployment runs out at the end of the month, I have learned to live on less than half of what I used to make, and actually, have learned that I don't "need" all the perqs. I have never been a massive "consumer", but I have enough of the "stuff" to make me happy.
It's been a rough lesson, but I think, with that one message, I now know that my life isn't that bad compared to some. I realized after her words hit me like a lightning bolt that, yes, I DO spread myself a bit thin at times (just NOT in the waistline these days, unfortunately! LOL!!) and perhaps spend too much time trying to please others, sometimes to my own self-detriment. I think what shook me the most, was that I had no idea that I had affected her life that deeply. To know that you have been a positive influence on others, makes it all seem more worthwhile I think. That simple, heart-felt thank you of hers, and the little kick in the pants, meant so very much.
Maybe it's time for a little reprioritizing again. After all, if you can't love yourself, you are incapable of loving others, right? I also know, through that, and the other messages I received, both RL and SL, that I am loved, or at least liked, by many that I am "just me" with. That's a good feeling.
*With sincere gratitude for all his friends and loved ones in every world*
Tel
Happy belated birthday sexy xxx
ReplyDeleteThank ya, studmuffin!
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